My Toxic Relationship with Creativity
“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.”
― John Mark Green
As far and as vivid as I can remember, I met Creativity in preschool. She was the very first person that understood me, owing to the fact that I was the quiet, weird kid on the first day of school, with a posture reminiscent of the Hunchback of Notre dame. For one so peculiar, I still marveled at how much time Creativity spent time with me. She was the true definition of beauty; her silk brown hair flowing down her shoulders like a fresh chocolate fountain, her voice as gentle and sweet as the west wind of Zephyrus, each step she took was as elegant as the sight of an Aston Martin DB5. She was indeed everything I wanted and more.
We grew to be lovers as time passed. She showed me how to express myself better with words she whispered to my ear on the cold nights that I had to save my means of livelihood. She opened doors to thoughts I never knew existed in my mind. She gently but firmly guided my hands to extraordinarily execute the simplest actions. I really had it all because she didn’t have just a gentle side, but also a wild unpredictable side that gave me an adrenaline rush; like an unstable volcanic eruption. I wandered through the hills and valleys where the apex predators lay waste to everything they came across, for the sole purpose of testing my limits; stretching my imagination and having a feel of dangerous uncertainty with her by my side.
With time, Creativity took up a bad habit of slipping away on our many dates. She would go missing for a few hours and when she returned, she would ask why I didn’t come looking for her and I would say, “If I knew where you were, don’t you think I would’ve looked for you?” She would chuckle and brush my beard and whisper in my ear that she “Loved me”, and instantly I would forget everything that went wrong.
It got worse, and each time she would whisper in my ear those sweet words I wanted to hear, and I would forget like I always did.
When she left for weeks without a note to tell me where she went, I would drink just to reminisce and relive the memories we had together till whenever she got back. I had my fair share of insanity and anxiety due to her absence. I almost got killed by the predators I once dominated with her by my side. I couldn’t express myself anymore like I used to, thus I lost jobs as they came in their millions. I became once again the awkward kid on the first day of school; the kid who didn’t have a purpose, the kid who couldn’t take that bold step, the kid without creativity. How could I have really thought she was everything I wanted but in reality, she was killing me slowly?
Creativity returned to me after a year. She chuckled once again and brushed my beard and whispered in my ears. Her words pierced my heart like a knife. She said, “You gave me all of you, but I never gave you all of me”. At that moment I realized something, Creativity was never there for me every step of the way. She has been slipping away from the first day we met but I didn’t notice because I was blinded by how perfect and simple she made everything feel, when she was around. We decided to become best of friends so I don’t fall into the infinite hope of her being there for me each time.
It’s been 10 years. I and Creativity still go on dates, she still whispers into my ear and tells me the right words I should say, we still wander through the hills and valleys, but never again will I let myself fall too deep.
